Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
