Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
