don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude i'm inner monologue high
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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