i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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