I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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