i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Houston, we have a blender
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
