every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
