Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
