I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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