so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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