I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
