fuck your aforementioned shoe
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
