I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Randomize
