she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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