i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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