I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize