i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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