Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize