you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
