He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
