she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
