I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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