Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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