Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
