Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize