Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
