she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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