It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
is wine microwaveable?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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