You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
