Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
