Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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