I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
