So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
