I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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