'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
