dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
