I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We got so high we made milksteak
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
