Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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