My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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