It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
