I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
