im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
