Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize