obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
