I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
