Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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