Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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