Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
