And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
