did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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