the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
