He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
