Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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