Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
