mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
