I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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