We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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