he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
