He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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