I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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