smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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