Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He? As in you personified your dick?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
