I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
