pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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