It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
