everyone is single if you try hard enough
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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