it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
